Though it requires substantial vulnerability, sharing my adverse background is something I now embrace to empower those who feel helpless and to encourage those who feel like the world has always been against them... it does get better, and your effort and your life is worth it. If you are also from a traumatic and less fortunate upbringing, are also from an underrepresented group, have had to work twice as hard, three times as hard, four times as hard to reach the same playing field as everyone else... you can make it. That resilience is powerful. There is space for you.

And you are deserving.

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I faced a lot of adversity to get where to I am today. When I was a year old, my father took his life and left me with my mother, and just a bit later would come a sister and then a brother, both from different fathers. A single mother of three with Bipolar disorder and an intense drug and alcohol addiction was undoubtedly a large burden on me, the oldest child. I faced a lot of physical and emotional abuse, dating all the way back to my very first memories. Of course, I was too young to understand that it was the mental illness and the addiction; I didn't realize until I was a teenager that my mother didn't treat us the way she did because she necessarily wanted to. It was more so that we had fallen into the path of destruction of these illnesses. 

In the face of poverty, a single mother can't afford daycare and can't exactly leave three babies at home to go to work, so she just didn't work. As a family of the state, we moved frequently in low-income areas from hotel rooms to 1–2-bedroom trailer homes to 1-bedroom apartments. We lived off food stamps and food banks and a lot of days, I didn't even get meals. Food stamps would get traded for drug money. Christmas presents from my grandparents would get pawned for drug money. I learned that there was one particular thing that couldn't be taken away from me for money: books. Let's flashback real quick: for my first day at Pre-K, I waltzed my little 4 year old ~clearly autistic~ butt into that classroom, grabbed a book, sat in the teacher's chair, and began reading to the class. And other kids listened! There's a photo of me in my little dress reading to all the little munchkins sitting criss-cross-apple-sauce on the carpet in front of me. 

So YEAH. I loved asking for composition notebooks for Christmas to fill with stories and dreams. Coming home from school to do my homework or reading books that I borrowed from libraries was what kept me distracted from the unfortunate childhood I was facing. However, at the early age of 7 years old, I began struggling with self-harm and suicidal tendencies, leading to an unusually young diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder. Consider childhood development fully f***ed.

Around 13 years old, my mother was taken to jail for an 8-month sentence. My siblings went off to their respective fathers, and without mine, I felt scared, lost, and abandoned. But soon after, my grandparents made the decision to adopt me, and I finally felt what it was like to feel safe. I had a bed that wasn't a mattress on the floor, I had a meal every night, I had a support system. Because my grandparents had more financial stability, I had better educational opportunities where my hard work could actually turn into success. But I was angry. I was so angry at the world. I was so young dealing with so much trauma and feelings of abandonment and confusion, it was all manifesting as anger and constant depression and emotional turmoil.

Throughout high school, I continued to struggle with suicidal tendencies and my intense depressive episodes caused me to miss a lot of school. Despite this, I never stopped applying myself; I refused to let myself succumb to a victim mentality and fall into the same path as my mother. In 2016, I graduated high school, Magna Cum Laude with a 4.5/4.0 GPA and was accepted into every college that I applied for.

I chose Stetson University, a private, very small university, close to home, where I wouldn't be overwhelmed and where I would be challenged academically. During my freshman year, I realized I was different. I never had opportunities to have long-lasting friendships, and as I was dealing with pure survivability, I wasn't able to pick up social cues and norms as a child. This wasn't too much of an issue in high school, as I was balancing school work with ~trying to stay alive~. But it was becoming very apparent in college that it was hard for me to make friends. I reached out for therapeutic help, and during my Freshman year, I was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Autism. The diagnoses truly helped shed light to the root of many of my feelings and actions. I began to understand myself, my feelings, my actions and my reactions more, and understood that life was going to require more work from me. I continued to work hard through my daily battles and episodes while balancing a double major in Biology and Chemistry, and I consistently made Dean’s List or Honor Roll. I even found a passion for teaching and tutoring my peers as a Writing Tutor, Writing Fellow, and Biology Teaching Assistant. Outside of my studies, I built my first PC computer and became passionate about eSports gaming. I even became the Marketing Director of the Stetson Gaming Club. However, during my senior year of college (Fall 2019-Spring 2020), I fell in love for the first time in my life.

As I had struggled with BPD my entire life, I understood what a romantic relationship meant for me. Insecurity, anxious-avoidance attachment, codependency, "splitting", immaturity, and untreated BPD symptoms poisoned our relationship. Towards the middle of my spring semester, that 7-month long toxic relationship ended. And while it's embarrassing and painful to admit... I survived a serious attempt of suicide and was hospitalized.

But honestly... it was the best thing to ever happen to me. During my time in the psychiatric unit, I spoke with a therapist about BPD and how its manifested through rage, attachment, fear of abandonment, etc. I learned about Dialectical Behavior Therapy, committing to practicing mindfulness, and the power of researching your mental illness and doing serious, constant introspection. I reflected on what love is and how self-love has to be balanced with how you love others. I saw how impactful my harmful coping choices were to the people in my life and how detrimental it was to my health. For the first time in my life, I finally realized

that could never be an option again.

While recovering, I placed my focus on my studies and I finished my final semester with A’s in every course, even despite the start of a global pandemic. I started SSRI’s, dialectical behavioral therapy, daily journaling, and setting healthy boundaries.

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Since then, I have not struggled with self-harm or suicidal tendencies.

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Now, it's the beginning of 2021 as I write this, and I’m extremely dedicated to my holistic health. I have learned that to be successful in aspects outside of myself, such as my studies and my career, I must be successful with myself and my health first. I am now an avid journaler, I set aside time to nurture the relationships in my life, and I actively create balance between stress versus positivity. (It's 2023 now as I update this). I have learned to be allies with my mental disabilities, because they are here forever, and they are a part of me. I describe them as having three brains: me, my BPD brain, and my autism brain. It's my job to make these three brains feel safe, which involves listening to what each needs, setting boundaries, and respecting them.

Currently, one of my biggest passions is community development. In the tech space, I enjoy providing content to "junior" developers through writing blogs and LinkedIn articles, sharing resources, and educating in Twitter Spaces and streams. I dedicate a lot of my free time to helping fellow developers optimize their portfolio's, LinkedIn's, and even entire brands. I also love teaching to others, and exploring and building with new technologies with my peers. Outside of tech, I'm a Community Relations Administrator of Space Fam, a kind and supportive group of 400+ ravers in Miami, FL. I love music - all kinds - but the rave community promotes the idea of PLURR: Peace, Love, Unity, Respect, and Responsibility. And as silly as that sounds, it creates a safe environment full of empathetic, open-arms and open-minds type of people. As the Administrator of Space Fam, I manage the community chat and discord server, organize events and info sessions, and advocate for rave safety. I love connecting electronic dance lovers with their favourite DJ's in the music industry, and I love de-stressing by dancing and enjoying high-frequency, feel-good music with my friends.

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Overall, I understand that I have faced a lot of adversity in my life, but I do not let it define me. And dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder and Autism is something I actively manage. However, I have learned to choose optimism, and my challenges have helped me gain profound perspective and fathomless empathy for the feelings of others, especially those who also struggle with mental illness. Utilizing therapy, medication, and healthy coping mechanisms has completely changed my life and I am an intense advocate for mental health awareness. I turned my misfortunes into learning experiences, and I still learn from them to this day. But that is what life is, isn't it? Taking your experiences and building yourself,

constantly learning,

forever growing.